A deplorable tabletop game devoid of joy, hope, or humor; which, regrettably, is also far more awesome than it has any right to be.
Latest Updates from Our Project:
STORE OF BROKEN DREAMS & ACTUAL IMPOSSIBLE GOALS & ACTUAL NEWBORNS!
over 7 years ago
– Mon, Sep 26, 2016 at 12:15:58 AM
Our last quiz update more than tripled the views and engagements of any previous update, once again making us look like we might know what we're doing. To help kill that perception ASAP, we've launched a new store filled with terrible crappy merchandise and set absurd social media goals sure to fail. With any luck, we'll kill this momentum well before we hit 4000 backers!
WE JUST HIT 4000 BACKERS! Well... s#!t...
WELCOME TO COVE MART! THANKS FOR NOT SAVING MONEY! We've soft launched what will be our go-to "what do you really need these things for?" store. A few graphics are there, including our ingenious answer to people's request for immediate MUG MATS & GAME MATS. Until we are able to focus on such non-campaign issues, we are sure you will love these highly versatile MAT offerings.
VISIT COVEMART.COM TO VIEW OUR DISAPPOINTING CRAP!
You can still do shirt ADD-ONS if you like, but these quality-vetted shirts are comparably priced and you can get them in weeks rather than months. (Or years, depending on how much Rick drops his balls.)
We're having some of our more-talented-at-ecommerce-shops-than-we-are friends help us with the shop, so there will be updates to look for and content in coming weeks.
Jesse is constantly designing graphics specifically for the store... including:
Why, just LOOK at all this hinting-at-future-frustrating-campaigns stuff!
SOCIAL MEDIA STRETCH GOALS If you haven't visited our campaign page and seen our social media goals, take a look below and see what you can do to help us unlock this mess! A pointless BOX QUALITY upgrade and access to Rick's PERSONAL INFORMATION is just a few LIKES/FOLLOWS away!
Join backer Joe Schelin and others in doing "something nice" for local kids' groups (heck, yeah scouting troops count!) and you could help us unlock other goals we're really hoping don't get unlocked (cause...we're lazy. And running out of personal stuff of Rick's to expose. Tee hee.)
Over 20 Hand Written Letters to Rick! The stamp-cost alone proves how happily you people throw money away!
OUR FIRST CAMPAIGN BABY! And finally, let's all have a round of applause for Backer Wes-Never Bored Gaming and his wife for giving us all our first confirmed CAMPAIGN BABY!!! This is for you, Wes!!!
"TAKE OUR UPDATE... PLEASE"
over 7 years ago
– Sat, Sep 24, 2016 at 12:45:16 AM
It's a boy!!!
over 7 years ago
– Wed, Sep 21, 2016 at 12:43:17 AM
Certifiable Studios and Mr. Anthony Coffey are proud to announce the arrival of Condyle Cove's newest resident . As always, we recommend not growing to attached.
This is an exciting week for announcements... Jesse has some new images he's just cleared for showcase, and the crushing sound of numbers being pulverized in Rick's office has slowed to a near silence... which can mean only one of two things: Either Rick is close to an official announcement on new and still unanswered stretch goals...
OR shards of number-gravel fell down into his manhood-region. Again. I mean... the guy could at least wear an apron while he's doing things like that, right?
-Opie
!!!BREAKING NEWS!!!
over 7 years ago
– Sun, Sep 18, 2016 at 11:04:06 PM
Another "make us do something we don't wanna do" Stretch Goal has fallen. And so, once again... look what you made us do...
Also in the news...
FRENCH, GERMAN & SPANISH TRANSLATION BUNDLES NOW AVAILABLE
Two new tiers have been added to accommodate our non-English speaking accomplices.
At the "DO YOU SPEAK ORPHAN" LEVEL, pledge $55 or more
and you will receive
1 copy of the Endangered Orphans of Condyle Cove Game including all unlocked stretch goals, plus game cards and all 3 booster packs translated to the language of your choosing. There's also the "MULTILINGUAL BOOGEYMAN" LEVEL offering multiple copies of the game.
UNRELATED SIDE NOTE: When you take the "C" and the "S" away from the word "copies" it becomes a much cooler word. But we digress.
Rick actually took to Comments Cove for help on how best to offer the translation tiers, for fear of messing up and making a confusing offer or, worse, an offer that makes people upset with him...
He didn't expect to avoid this by taking the advice of the non-silent minority in Comments Cove... he just wanted to be able to shift some of the blame to them.
That Rick Moore. F@#k him... am I right?
We were told you WANTED this...?
over 7 years ago
– Fri, Sep 16, 2016 at 12:02:19 AM
Over in Comment's Cove, various pushy and disturbingly enthusiastic backers told us that it was "normal" for Creators to "inform" the "backers" via "updates" and "emails" that Stretch Goals have been "reached."
The apparent logic is that you, as pseudo-invested "partners" in Endangered Orphans, would be in some way contented, perhaps even "happy" about such an achievement.
Clearly these particular backers are insane. We assume they have all escaped from some Indiegogo Focus Group Asylum somewhere and stumbled upon our Campaign thinking it was an actual refuge for wayward Orphans. We'll have them removed immediately.
But, since we have you here... yes, the collective group of backers that make up this particular spam list has in fact plummeted through yet another stretch goal and unlocked the second of the four possible new Orphan Pawns.
Now the three new debates seem to be:
1) what do we name these two?
This is a HUGE source of debate over in Comment's Cove...
We assume naming them is important to everyone because we don't want the Boogeyman to be confused as to what he should ask for when making his dining choices.
Which one is this again? The "boy"...? Not the one with the lisp, is it? He gives me gas something awful."
2) How many of each do we get now?
If we don't unlock any additional Orphans, how will the boy/girl ratio be portioned out? Will you get THREE of the cap-wearing kid and only ONE of the we-guess-that's-a-girl-under-there kid? Can I get all w.g.t.a.g.u.t kid if we want? What if we are sexist and don't like boys at all in our game?
Well... we'd give an answer, but we're sure at this point no matter what we said, it would be wrong to just enough of you to warrant a retraction... so rather, we're gonna let you guys debate on until we inexplicably unlock the other two pawns anyway...
STRETCH GOALS!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.....
3) Isn't this Thursday? Don't we double down on hating Rick Moore on Thursdays?
Yes... yes it is and yes. If you aren't aware (and shame on you if not) but Thursdays are officially designated THROAT PUNCH RICK MOORE THURSDAYS...
Keep in mind, and this is TRUE... your fellow backers declared this NOT us. But, who are we to argue?
