A SERIES OF LEGITIMATE UPDATES
over 7 years ago – Wed, Sep 14, 2016 at 12:38:26 AM

NEW STRETCH GOALS & ADD-ONS
We try not to send updates with actual, useful, expected information in them too often, for fear that you people may start suspecting we are competent or in someway know what we are doing.

So, for Orphan's sake, don't read too much into this... but we've managed to crunch some legitimate numbers, negotiate with reputable vendors, and map out a real plan that we can feel confident with sharing.

UPGRADING AN UPGRADE? ISN'T THAT ODD?
Some of you may wonder why we would release a set of stretch goals to upgrade pawns we'd already previously upgraded. Well, the thing is, the desire had always been to have any sculpted elements match the style and feel of Jesse's illustrations. But the set-up and crafting of such materials seemed unlikely for the level of Kickstarter funding we thought we could achieve. 

Now that we see you may NOT be kidding with the whole "backing us" thing, you've convinced us to try and dream a little bigger. Also, we like the poetic nature of Orphaning the now unloved and unwanted Orphan Pawns.

NEW BOOSTER ADD-ONS & NEW TIER WITH EXCLUSIVE 3rd BOOSTER!Venture down to our ADD-ONS section and you'll find two new Cul De Sac Boosters: Mr. Coleman's Carnival of Captivating Curiosities and Somewhere Down Lexington Drive. And if you take a look at our pledge levels, you'll ALSO find a brand new $70 Tier: THE "GREEDY BASTARDS" LEVEL

For those who want everything in a nice, easy, single pledge, you can now get:
THE REGULAR GAME AND ALL UNLOCKED SGs
THE KS EXCLUSIVE NSFW DECK "KILLING PARENTLESS CHILDREN"
BOTH ADD-ON CUL DE SAC BOOSTERS AND...
A NEW KS EXCLUSIVE CUL DE SAC BOOSTER: "BENEATH THE COVE"

Rick has some more details in the actual Pledge Level specifically for those of you already pledged at another level who may want to switch over, so check it out. And when you inevitably realize it still doesn't make sense, shoot him a message with the subject line: "f@#k you, Rick!"

Really, feel free to send him that message heading even if you aren't confused or switching over. K? Thanks! 

ASK THE ENDANGERED ORPHANS
We spammed you guys last Friday for question you'd like to ask The Orphans, thinking we would create a few utterly pointless, just-for-entertainment videos. Plus we had these Orphans we bought for reference just sitting around anyway. So...  
Thinking we'd get a few dozen questions, by the end of the day you had sent us over 300 questions via the comments section, direct messages and email. I, rankly, want to get to them all... Rick says it's a waste of resources and something about child protections something or other... but, really, it's up to you folks, right? We cold-revealed this yesterday with four videos and added three more today. See two of the seven replies below, or click HERE FOR PLAY LIST.

...(insane)...
over 7 years ago – Mon, Sep 12, 2016 at 12:50:44 AM

...just...

...really, people... 

STRETCH GOALS ARE DROPPING LIKE... (dare we say it?)
over 7 years ago – Tue, Sep 06, 2016 at 11:53:22 PM

So, over the last few days, our amazing backers have seemingly joined forces as a unified front and screamed to the world: "@#$% THESE 5K STRETCH GOALS (and Jesse's hands)!" and shot past the 75K & 80K marks to unlock 4 new cards for The Last Winter Expansion Pack. You can see the previous cards in UPDATE 16.

And you can see the two newest cards right here:

I'm working overtime on the updated campaign page presentation so we can showcase detailed images of everything you've unlocked. 

Meanwhile, we're having some fun chats with Mr. Anthony Coffey... 'cause we're thinking he's going to have to get to work pretty darn soon.

Watch for AMA, NEW STRETCH GOALS and NEW TIER announcements coming soon.

Also, if you know any good outhouse retailers... give 'em our email, would you? We're looking to do some remodeling here at Certifiable.

 -Opie

THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING!! (Or nothing. Life is unpredictable, really.)
over 7 years ago – Mon, Sep 05, 2016 at 11:27:32 PM

If you're new to the Endangered Orphan's campaign, you may be thinking "huh... the campaign page is somewhat... jumbled and... busy..."

There's a very good reason for this: the campaign page, you see, is somewhat jumbled and busy. It was originally designed when we figured no one would care what it looked like, and we were quite sure we wouldn't need to add trivial little things like "stretch goals" or "information".

But, then you backers came along and ruined everything with your pledges and support and enthusiastic promotion of this game and all it stands for.

We won't spend time deriding you. We're sure you feel bad enough already. 

But, as we now have things that need to be reported and stretch goals that keep falling like Tiny Tim trying to play hop scotch, we have taken the advice (and, dare we say outright demands) of our backers via Comments Cove and are facilitating a full overhaul of our campaign page as to make sections, stretch goals, add-ons, and other pertinent information more perspicuous, concise, succinct, and other fancy sounding words I found by left clicking the word "clear" and choosing thesaurus. 

The talented and under-paid me will be working on this overhaul tonight through the am... so, likely, it will be done around, oh, 8 am this coming Thursday.Until then, a lot of people have been understandably asking for clearer, more detailed views of the STACK THE DECK CARDS you've been unlocking, as well as a better explanation of what they are and what they do. 

Well, you can't have it. Deal with it. We know that may seem unfair, but it's like one of our very first backers said... if life were fair, we wouldn't have Orphans in the first place, would we?

Actually, the real reason we weren't showing the details is, to be frank, they aren't completely done yet. As Jesse assesses and assimilates some of the amazing ideas and input we are getting from all of you and merges them with his original ideas for the expansion and direction of the game, then the types of images he envisions and creates shifts and changes. Perhaps more pertinently, the mechanics and copy of the cards adjust, and so we aren't quite ready to reveal what they SAY yet. 

But we're happy to reveal some of the unlocked art you have inspired, Watch for updates and announcements on the reveal of what they say and do in the future.

UNLOCKED LAST WINTER CARDS

As Jesse creates more possibilities for the Last Winter expansion, he knocks out more images. He also has shared with Rick & me some additional card ideas for other areas of the game... look for announcements soon about how these could be working into future Stretch Goals. 

UPCOMING AMA

We are about to schedule some Ask Me Anything sessions via something called "THE INTERNET" in the coming week. Assuming any of you actually care. 

If you are not aware, an "AMA/ASK ME ANYTHING" session is where you can send us any questions about anything at all via any kind of system for sending things through the internets, and Rick, Jesse, and I will answer these questions. 

If you are not aware, the "internets" is this thing invented by Al Gore something like 50 years ago or something. I don't have all the details. I hear you can look it up somehow. 

-O

WAIT!! HEAR US OUT...
over 7 years ago – Mon, Sep 05, 2016 at 12:31:45 AM

If you aren't following the chaos down in Comments Cove we morbidly invite you to come join in the insanity.

A little challenge for some Nursery Rhymes we sent out in the early days of the campaign has taken a life of it's own, and now... well...  Rick, Jesse and I almost smell a whole separate Kickstarter Campaign...  

But most exciting of all, Backers and Super-backers alike have been graciously making fun and exciting (and, sometimes, wonderfully inappropriate) suggestions of how we can reach more backers and provide more value and fun to our supporters. Honestly, this is the reason why Rick, Jesse and I came here in the first place: earn the trust and fidelity of disturbed individuals who share our love for art that you can play and stories you can take part in. 

Wow... that sounded ALMOST like a real marketing pitch. 

We apologize for that. Won't happen again. 

It's just... we know you have lots of options to spend your money on, and lots of worthy campaigns to help champion... 

We don't want to be your top priority... We're just honestly thankful to be in your thoughts.

We apologize for that, as well. 

On a final note, I could not be more excited to share with you the treats and surprises we have in store from a visual and media side in the coming week.

BUT until then, so many people have asked so nicely for it, Jesse and I stole an hour and made you something... it's not shot fancy, no shiny post effects...

But, it being two weeks in to the campaign... we figured maybe a walk through intro of the actual game you supported may be fair. 

Not that being "fair" is something we encounter often in the Cove.